How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
