Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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