i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
