i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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