im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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