and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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