Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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