he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
