A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
