omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
