Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
