I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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