no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
