My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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