What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize