why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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