I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
