I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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