Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
