I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
