Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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