May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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