whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
