Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
