cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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