im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
