bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Im part way to drunk.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
