party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
there's paper in my vomit.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
