my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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