That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
