omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
