if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i wish my penis had a tongue
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
