I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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