You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
