I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
