My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
