So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
farters have to be the big spoon...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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