the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
