Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
God, I missed his penis.
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