Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
