meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
