Got a toothbrush?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
