Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
