So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize