god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
