it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
