the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize