i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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