You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
