There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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