I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She needs sedatives and a leash
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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