our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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