I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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