nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
