If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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